Wednesday, April 8, 2015

The dreaded "FZ"

Ah, the friend zone. We've all been there. She's amazing, beautiful, funny, bewitching, and totally not into you. You, are a blip on her radar by the sole dint of biology, and that's it.


Like I said: We have all been there, at least once. Some get there more than once. I know I did... over and over and over again. Wondering what I could do to get her to notice me, how should I dress, what should I say, or is there some winning combo of traits that would make her finally perk up and take notice.  I was certain there was, there had to be. I saw all of the other guys gobbling up girls so quickly I couldn't figure it out. Those guys always had some pretty girl on their arm that I was envious of. All the time, some new girl that just... wow... how does he do it?

I never thought about that last part much, or at all. They always had some new girl on their arm. I was in awe of the fact that they had landed the girl that I never stopped to think about the fact that they always had a new one, because the other one had, wisely, bailed on a situation that was bad for her.


Of course I didn't. I was busy being a failure with women. Not getting dates, being awkward, stumbling over myself in conversations. It was, to my mind, a terrible state of affairs.. or lack thereof to be honest. I just couldn't do it, I couldn't be cool enough to get in. I remember there was a whole year and a half that I had zero romantic prospects. That was a lonely 18 months.

Guys know...

There were quite a few girls that I was keen on but to be honest I never took the shot because I didn't want to feel that sting of rejection again. It got that bad, I refused to talk to any girl in that capacity because I was tired of getting shot down. A fair and completely understandable position to be in. Really.

What I never did though was blame the girls for this. I knew that it was me. I had no illusions on that matter. I was out of shape and shy. I was not what I wanted to be, and as a consequence, not someone that was readily wanted. I was (gasp) a total dork. I never once considered blaming her, whomever "her" might be, though. That would have been a total loser thing to do.

Oh how things have changed in 15 years. Oh how they have changed...

and not for the better

I recently witnessed a conversation at my local Starbucks that astounded me by its sheer level of wonton misogyny. There were a couple of youngish guys, early 20's not a day past that though, discussing a girl that they new mutually, so it would seem.  Apparently fella one was quite smitten with the girl but, and I quote; "she just won't let me out of the friend zone". To which his compatriot promptly responded, and I quote again; "bitches just want the asshole, man"

My jaw dropped. I couldn't fathom the fact that the second guy had just said it, let alone that the first didn't put his buddy in place for the comment. All he could do was nod sheepishly at the apparent truth of the statement. There are few moments in my life that I am at a loss for words, but this, this was one of them.  The two of them were actually blaming the young lady for her not being interested in the guys' advances. Seriously... what the actual fuck?

Really, who can blame her though? If this is how they talk about her behind her back, then surely she is capable of smelling the rat.

You'll giggle soon.

But it did get me to thinking. Why is it now okay to mewl on and on about the lack of ones' romantic life instead of actually recognizing that one may be the issue one's self. I see a ton of stuff online about figuring out how to pick girls up but none, or rather very few, actually focus on the real issue: the failings of the man in question.  There are tons and tons of sites devoted to how to pick up a girl, get her number, and maybe add another notch to the belt, but very few that focus on being the type of guy that women want.

They teach guys tricks. Tricks are by definition for show. To be done at the drop of a hat to impress someone. but at the end, they are nothing more than a delicately contrived set of motions to go through, no real substance. This is a terrible thing for young men to learn. Terrible. Pile on top of that that what they are doing is trying to convince the girl they are something they are not, which last time I checked is the definition of deception.

The funny thing about deception is that you, necessarily, yield your position to the deceived, thus making you work all that much harder. You have have granted them a reality that you now have to maintain, given them absolute power over you. (actually... we'll hit on that in a different post)

Suffice to say, you are not who you say you are, and now have to preform myriad other tricks, like a puppy, to stay in said lady's good graces. Lest she find out you are a complete fraud. I know of no men that are able to maintain that level of effort at all times. We are, by nature, creatures of comfort, and that amount of work, I can only imagine is tiresome at best.

So, those guys that are not good at these tricks end up trying to latch on to a woman that, most certainly, has seen most of them in the past and probably fell for one or two of them. Therefore, she is understandably wary. She keeps that guy at arms reach, precisely because she knows it's a show and has no interest in buying a ticket to see a sequel to a movie she didn't like in the first place.

 Those originals are the aforementioned "assholes" that guy two from above.

She is now on the look out for a man that is sure of himself, not full of himself.  there is a significant and striking difference. Example: Most of these "pick up guys" go to the gym with expressed purpose of looking good with their shirt off (full of) whereas the guy that she's on the hunt for will most likely be going for the intent of actually being strong (sure of). It's a silly comparison, I know, but apt none the less.

If you're in "the friend zone" it is because you're friend material, not lover material. Again, the difference is striking. So go out and make yourself better; learn a skill, memorize poetry, lift some weights... do something that makes you better for you not anyone else. She'll see it and you'll be in a better place.

In short, become a man. Stop being a boy that is wanting to get laid, and you'll find women will, with luck, want to make you theirs.

Live it, learn it, and love it guys.